The post Worry removal: How to make constant worrying a thing of the past! appeared first on The Daily Increase.
]]>Even though we are prone to worry almost constantly, it should not be like that all the time. There are several ways that we can change this constant state of worry and make life more inspiring and more meaningful.
Changing this state of mind can be very helpful to your own health. It will de-clutter your mind and will make room for other exciting things to take shape in your life. Finally, you will be able to wake up and feel ready to take on the day.
So how can you stop worrying?
1. Embrace the fact that you are not in-charge
Are you someone who takes pleasure in being in control of everything? Maybe that is why you feel constantly worried.
I am not saying that you should not have plans about things but instead look at life as something bigger than you. There are so many variables that you cannot control. You cannot control the following: the weather, the past, global events (e.g. world economy), other people’s behaviours, traffic delays, other people’s opinions, aging, accidents and sickness, and the future. Sorry if you thought you could control any of these because you can’t.
Do you know what you can do instead in all of these things? Managing yourself is your main priority.
Accepting this is the beginning of stopping the constant worry of everyday.
2. Be average at being in the moment (if you can master the art)
Being in the moment can be very helpful to forget about the past and the future. Have you ever worried about the past so much so that you wish you went back and changed it? Well that will not be happening. Worrying about the past is the surest way of wasting your present time.
How about the future? Well the future is tricky because we need to be there right? The future may or may not come.
For example, worrying about what will happen after I write this article is not helpful for me at all. I do not know how you will react after reading this. Imagine if I was so worried about every person who will read this article and their thoughts let alone their reactions and comments. It would be close to impossible to write about anything since I do not know about the future.
So stay in the moment and do the work or play. This will make you stay focused and remove the constant worry that plagues most of us.
3. Have friends that you can talk to
Sharing your experiences with others can be very helpful to avoid feeling like you are the only one who is going through hard things in life.
I will tell you that no one on this planet has a monopoly on problems. The odds are that if you share what you are going through someone will relate to what you are trying to say or at least listen to you. Keeping things to yourself can seem great but sharing is part of the cure to constant worry.
If you have no friends then this could be an opportunity for you to start making them. It can be hard especially when we have grown up to make friends but in the age of social media you can find anyone in social clubs.
If you like playing games online you can find friends online (not an excuse to play more video games). We all have things we enjoy~ use them to make friends or if you like watching videos then you can also find a channel on YouTube and contact someone to chat with. This happens more than you think. Or just subscribe to someone’s channel.
Having friends will make you feel part of the community and those worries can be shared. As the German proverb goes “a problem shared is a problem halved”.
4. Seek to understand things that are within your circle of influence
It is very important to distinguish between the first point and this point. The circle of influence are things that you can directly control.
You can control your thoughts, attitudes, actions, habits, relationships, personal growth, priorities, environment, and more importantly your responses.
Even though we might not control things that are in our external environment, we can exert massive influence on the place we live in and on our loved ones.
Next time when you are worrying or if you worried right now ask yourself the following question:
Is this outside of my circle of influence? Or is this within my circle of influence?
The former you learn to accept and find the right response to and the latter you do something about it!
Worrying in either case produces ZERO results!
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]]>The post Creating Your Personal Constitution : Step-By-Step Guide on How to Change Your Life Today! appeared first on The Daily Increase.
]]>Change is guaranteed in life, but it often feels like an uphill battle. If you’ve ever felt frustrated and stuck in a cycle of no results, unsure of where to start, then this article is for you. In this article, I will be sharing about the power of change and how to overcome the obstacles that hold us back.
Desire for Change:
Throughout my life, I’ve always desired to change and grow. However, I often found myself frustrated and unsure of where to begin. It felt like I wanted to walk confidently, but all I could do was crawl without making any progress. In this article, I’ll share a perspective that will transform your journey of change.
Embracing the Mindset of a Child:
Imagine having the determination of a child learning to walk. Children crawl, stand up, fall down, and keep trying because they know that one day they will walk. I want to share this mindset with you because you are capable of adopting it. Embracing the idea that crawling a thousand times will eventually lead to standing is key.
Creating a Personal Constitution:
To guide you on this transformative journey, I will help you create a personal constitution. This document will consist of principles, values, and guidelines that will serve as your compass toward the life you envision. Just like a nation has a constitution to govern itself, you need a personal constitution to govern your actions and choices.
Components of a Personal Constitution:
A personal constitution is highly individualized and covers different areas of your life. It includes personal goals, beliefs, moral and ethical values, priorities, and desired behaviors. It acts as a guide for your daily choices, actions, and interactions with others.
Benefits of a Personal Constitution:
Creating a personal constitution offers several benefits.
- A personal constitution provides clarity and direction, making your path forward clear.
- A personal constitution promotes self-accountability, ensuring that you stay on track with your intentions.
- A personal constitution fosters consistency in your actions and decisions.
- A personal constitution helps build resilience to follow through even when things get hard
- A personal constitution promotes personal growth.
I recommend two books to help you create your personal constitution:
- The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin – In this book Benjamin Franklin outlines his guiding principles.
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – If you want to craft everything in your life beginning at the start when you are on your deathbed then this is the book.
These two books are very helpful if you want to continue to refine your personal constitution. Continual improvement is very key in life aka “IKIGAI”
Creating a personal constitution requires introspection and reflection on what truly matters to you. In the next article, I will share three ways of thinking and guiding principles to create a solid personal constitution.
Requirements: Pen and Paper to start making a personal constitution.
WATCH ALSO HERE:
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]]>The post 10 Ways to Relax Without Feeling Guilty appeared first on The Daily Increase.
]]>- Take a nap without thinking about the tasks at hand.
- Read a book or watch a movie even though you “should” be doing something “productive”.
- Spend additional time treating yourself by taking a soothing bath or shower.
- Go for a walk and spend time taking in the sights of the nature.
- Reward yourself with your favorite meal or beverage without thinking at all about calories or nutrients.
- Let your precious mind wander while listening to your favorite podcast or music.
- Go have a picnic in the open air and enjoy the park.
- Do the activity that you enjoy the most like your favorite hobby even if it seems unproductive.
- Schedule a time with a friend (s) or loved one (s) in person without any distractions or interruptions.
- Frequently plan and schedule regular downtime in your busy life as a way of self-care and prioritizing your mental health.
For our general well-being, it’s crucial to take a moment in order to relax and re-fuel and it’s critical to do so without having any negative feelings like guilt. You can prioritize your mental and physical health and lead a more healthy and fulfilling life by using these ten guilt-free relaxation techniques. Not only is self-care vital, it is also not selfish.
Which ones do you use to unwind?
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]]>The post 10 Motivational Quotes to Never Give Up appeared first on The Daily Increase.
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1.”I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison
Meaning : Failure is a normal part of learning. You’re sure to achieve success if you constantly try new things and keeping on improving after your failures.
2.”It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” – Confucius
Meaning: Regardless of speed, progress is progress.
3. “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” – C.S. Lewis
Meaning: It’s never too late to start chasing new objectives and aspirations, regardless of your age or level of accomplishment. We should always push ourselves to advance our knowledge and skills.
4.”The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” – Steve Jobs
Meaning : Being passionate about your work is essential if you want to accomplish big things.
5.”Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” – Theodore Roosevelt
Meaning: We can change a lot by simply believing in ourselves.
6. “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill
Meaning: Success and failure are both transient. What counts most is having the fortitude to move ahead despite setbacks.
7.”The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Nelson Mandela
Meaning: You are bound to fail! What matters most is that you try again and get back up.
8.”Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.” – Sam Levenson
Meaning: Continue making progress while maintaining concentration on the current work.
9. “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” – Japanese Proverb
Meaning: Have you failed a lot? Get back up again!
10. “When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.” – Unknown
Meaning: Remembering your initial motivation for pursuing your goal might be useful when you’re feeling down and tempted to quit.
Voila! Share the quote(s) that resonated most with you with your friends and family.
It is very important that we keep our reasons in front of us every time we do something so that we can always come back to it whenever we feel like giving up.
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]]>The post Investment for Absolute Beginners Part 3 appeared first on The Daily Increase.
]]>Have you opened the brokerage account yet? If not, please see my previous article.
This is the stage that you are going to make money work for you instead of continuing to work for money. The only way to make money is either you work to get paid, or you invest the money, and it pays you.
If you want to start investing in the stock market, you will need to invest in very good companies. There are several things to consider when analyzing what companies buy. For example, would you invest in a company that goes against your values? Probably not!
That is the best place to start from when you are considering starting investing.
Do you want to part easily with your hard-earned money? Then do not invest in things you do not UNDERSTAND.
One of the greatest investors of all time is Warren Buffet and he has insight on this: “Never invest in a business you do not understand.”
If you do not know what a certain company does but you hear people talk about it and tell you how much you are missing out that is okay. Take it from the greatest investor.
If you know how bicycles work and you see a company that makes bicycles then that is a good investment rather than choosing a company that plans to do mining on the moon for example.
As Albert Einstein said: “If you cannot explain it simply, you do not understand it well enough”.
Therefore, a rule of thumb is that you should be able to explain the company that you are investing in. If you cannot then watch out and you should consider selling the shares of that company.
This doesn’t mean you need to know where the president of the company lives, how many employees the company has when it was started etc. but you better know what product or service the business does well.
There are so many companies to choose from that this rule must be followed all the time. This is especially true if you are doing the investing yourself and have no financial experts (who know other fields) working for you, which I assume you do not have. Just the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) has over 5000+ companies and you do not even need 100 to be a good investor. So do not feel like you are missing out because you are not!
How do you make money in the stock market?
-
Share Growth (The Pie Grows)
After you buy the company (pie), you are a shareholder (pie holder). If you buy a good pie most people will want to have a piece of the pie.
Since so many people come asking for the same thing, you know what happens when everyone wants the same shoe or ticket. Yes, you got it ~ the price goes up.
If the demand for the company you bought increases that means that the value of the company also increases.
If you buy a share price at $10 and the value of the company goes up, the share price can go up to $13 or higher.
Simple Math I promise:
If you buy 10 shares each costing you $10, then you have invested?
10 shares * $10 each = $100
If each share goes up to $13, then you have made?
10 shares *$13 each = $130
What does the share increase in dollar amount?
You have gained $30 ($130 made– $100 cost).
How do you get this $30 if you wanted to go use it? You will have to sell your shares, which is very easy and can happen in milliseconds. Yup you read that right! Milliseconds, that is how quickly the transactions happen.
The share price could go down as well and that is why we talked about buying a good company, which we’ll talk about in future articles.
-
Dividends (money you get for owning a share)
This is my favorite way of making money in the stock market and I have used it to invest in other businesses and to start my business after getting the dividends.
So, whether the share goes up or down it doesn’t matter if you still get your dividend! (Yeah!).
Not all companies do this and some companies that give dividends can change. That is why I talked about choosing good companies that pay dividends all the time! That is what I look for.
Sometimes it is as simple as no dividends no investment for me!!
The best way to get your money give back to you is through dividends in my opinion and there are investors who just invest to get dividends.
The game now is what companies should I buy?
PLEASE DO NOT ASK YOURSELF WHAT STOCKS YOU SHOULD BUY INSTEAD ASK YOURSELF WHAT COMPANY SHOULD I BUY
It is very important you look at the stocks as companies providing value to people. When you buy shares of Walmart for example, think of the hundreds of employees that the company employs and your money will go to pay for their vacation, mortgage etc. In return, you will make money by how much they work for Walmart (technically they work for you now since you are a part owner of Walmart!). If you work for Walmart then even better you work for yourself as both an employee and part owner of Walmart.
That would change most people’s Monday morning feeling of going to work if they partly owned most of the companies. Imagine how you would talk to a sales representative who wanted to sell you something from the company you own?
Always pursue a WIN-WIN mindset in the stock market. More value = more returns!!
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]]>The post Investment for Absolute Beginners Part 2 appeared first on The Daily Increase.
]]>Do you remember the first time you opened a bank account? Maybe your parents did it for you but it is very simple to do. That is exactly what were are going to do here as well.
Your bank account, also called a checking account, holds cash for you to use when needed. You are able to use it to write checks as well. For you to buy stocks you will need to open what is called a brokerage account.
A brokerage account allows you (the investor) to be able to buy stocks (shares of companies). The brokerage account is offered by licenced brokerage companies which are mostly regular banks. For the majority of people in North America, some parts of Europe (like the UK), and Australia the odds are that your bank probably offers a brokerage account.
But why haven’t they told me to open one? Well, that is the best question but it has to do with the fact that most people are unaware of it. You can call them now and they can open it for you in few minutes! It is that easy!
Common questions and concerns:
- What if the bank charges me a fee to open the brokerage account? ~ there is no fee (if they charge run!)
- What if the bank does not offer it? ~ find another bank
- But I will have so many accounts! ~ they can link them together to your main account
- But I do not have money to invest! ~ I started with $50 dollars ( you can let the account sit for a while without any money)
- How do start buying stocks? ~ now you are getting ahead of yourself! 🙂
Instead, the question to ask at this stage is, “what is required to open a brokerage account?”
You will need the same information for opening a regular account which includes: home address, phone number, email address, and personal identification like passport, driver’s license, social insurance number (SIN)/ social security number (SSN).
During the process of opening the account they will ask you common questions like, “what are your goals for investing?” or, “what is your risk tolerance?” and other similar questions.
Congratulations! You have completed the profile and opened the account! Now it is time to fund (add money to) your new account to start buying shares (stocks of companies).
Are you surprised how easy it is like I was?
The best book I personally recommend when getting started is Money Master The Game. I am shocked when I see some other books recommended ahead of this one! I have read books on this topic but in most of them you need to understand the basics or they get technical after 2 chapters. Most of them do not even walk you through the reasons you want to invest but this one goes through all of that and talks to successful investors (so many) like Ray Dalio who built the world’s largest hedge fund firm to date.
In the next article, I will be sharing how you can buy shares in reputable companies. You need to seek financial guidance as well in the process but do not let other people control your hard-earned money.
How about you make those extra funds earn a little bit of money rather than have the banks offer 3% returns on your savings account (I am being too generous here!) when the inflation is at 7%? It does not take a genius to see that your money has less buying power sitting idle in the checking account (the number you see but your money is actuality in the market or lent out)!
Action: Open a brokerage account!
Here is the list and links of the common brokerage offering banks/firms in the USA, Canada, UK, and Australia
United States:
- TD Ameritrade: https://www.tdameritrade.com/home.page
- E*TRADE: https://us.etrade.com/home/welcome-back
- Charles Schwab: https://www.schwab.com/
- Fidelity: https://www.fidelity.com/
- Robinhood: https://robinhood.com/us/en/
Canada:
- Questrade: https://www.questrade.com/
- Wealthsimple Trade: https://www.wealthsimple.com/en-ca/trade/
- TD Direct Investing: https://www.td.com/ca/en/investing/direct-investing/
- Interactive Brokers: https://www.interactivebrokers.ca/
- Scotia iTRADE: https://www.scotiaitrade.com/en/direct/welcome.html
United Kingdom:
- Hargreaves Lansdown: https://www.hl.co.uk/
- IG: https://www.ig.com/uk/investments/share-dealing
- AJ Bell: https://www.youinvest.co.uk/
- Interactive Investor: https://www.ii.co.uk/
- Fidelity: https://www.fidelity.co.uk/
Australia:
- CommSec: https://www.commsec.com.au/
- CMC Markets: https://www.cmcmarkets.com/en-au/
- IG Markets: https://www.ig.com/au/investments/share-dealing
- SelfWealth: https://www.selfwealth.com.au/
- Westpac Online Investing: https://www.westpac.com.au/personal-banking/investments/online-investing/
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You have probably heard people talk about investment at some point in their life. We talk about investing in yourself by going to school, finding a job, working out and so on.
However, when it comes to investing in the stock market to achieve returns on our hard earned cash, we are very reluctant because we are afraid. I totally understand this fear, because who wants to lose their money by giving it up? After all, we have heard of so many people who have lost money in the stock market and we could be one of them.
On the other hand, people have seen and know people who make money by investing in the stock market and wonder how they do it. Did they just buy a lottery “stock” and wait until they luckily made money? They wonder.
That was me a few years back as well. I did not know that almost every bank is in the stock market, and major companies are in the stock market (Facebook, Amazon, Google, Walmart, Microsoft, Apple, Samsung and many others). Chances are that if you looked up your favorite company that gives you products or services, the odds are that it is listed on the New York Stock Exchange or owned by a company listed on some other exchange.
In this article I will give you the basic idea of investing in the stock market and what it’s exactly all about.
To clearly understand what the stock market is all about let’s start with an example business. The business will be selling bread. When you start this business you have no customers at the beginning. As you tell your family and friends they start to buy the bread from you. From there, the business starts to grow as your family members tell other people.
Normally when you start a business you start with your own money (capital). As the business grows the cost of making the bread starts to get high because of all the materials, staff, advertising and other activities. At this stage of the business you approach family and friends for money to help you out.
You have a number of options with the money from family and friends:
- Take the money as a loan and pay them back
- Take the money and they are part owner of the business
- Take the money as a gift
Option 1 is very easy to understand. If you do not pay them back (which you should) you are going to have very unhappy family members and friends.
Option 2 is similar to a stock market – only that people who gave you money are not your family and friends (more below).
Option 3 is very unlikely but if you are lucky enough to have family and friends to give you money then surely take it, but make sure they understand that it is a gift and not something else.
Back to option 2.
This option is good only if you have family and friends who have lots of money (hundreds of thousands to millions) to give you to grow your business. Unfortunately 99% of entrepreneurs do not have family and friends who have the money to give them to grow the business.
I mean, I definitely understand. Why should they?
- What if you fail?
- Why do you deserve half a million for your idea of bread making?
- They need the money as well for their living.
That is where the stock market comes in. Thank the stock market for funding the gadget that you are using to read this article. My guess is that you are either using a product made by Apple/Samsung/ Microsoft/Google. All these companies are in the stock market.
So, what is a stock market?
Let’s use the example above of our bread making company. When you start the company you own it fully. But as you grow it you sell part of the company to other people.
Basically, you start off owning the full pie (business). If you want investors, then you will have to sell a part of the pie (share/stock). Investors give you the money to run the company in exchange for part ownership the pie.
All you have to do now is to check online for how much “pie” people own of any company. People whom you thought own 100% of Facebook, Amazon, Blackrock, Tesla etc., do not own them. You would be a trillionaire if you owned these companies all by yourself.
However, unlike a pie that you can start eating right away, an investor in the company is very patient to eat their part of the pie (share/stock).
That’s it! That is the stock market at its core. You own part (share/stock) of the pie (company). There are millions of pies (companies) and there are millions of pie owners.
It is very difficult to own the pie all by yourself! I guess parents are right when they teach us to share when we are still young.
Main Idea: The stock market is a place (market) where people (sellers) who have businesses sell part of the business to other people (buyers) to raise money to produce goods and services.
- So how do you start investing?
- How do you become a part owner of the companies that are sold every day?
- Most importantly, how do you make money ?
We will be covering these and other similar questions in the upcoming articles.
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]]>The post The Power of Taking Full Responsibility in Life appeared first on The Daily Increase.
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It is very difficult to believe that you have a lot of input for what goes on in your life when everything that you do seem to be beyond your control. I definitely used to think this way especially because of the way I grew up. There are things that are definitely beyond our control like the weather, where were are born, our race, our siblings, our parents, among other things. But equally we have so many things that are within our control as well.
We are in control of what clothes to wear, what to eat, what to watch, what to listen to, how to live, who to marry, if we should go to school, what job we want, how many qualifications we want, where to live, and many many more choices available to us.
But if you were born in places that had very limited resources like I did then it might seem that you really have no choice. You still have a choice even thought the options are few. How does this relate to the topic of taking full responsibility you might ask? Actually, it does have everything to do with it.
Taking full responsibility is acknowledging the fact that you are response-able. Response-ability means that you are going to use all the tools and skills you have to make sure that you look after things that are within your power. It means that before you blame others you are going to first look at yourself and ask a simple question:
How should I respond to this situation?
When I arrived in Canada in 2012, I was shocked by how much the weather was unforgiving to someone like me who grew up in such a warm climate. I want the winter to be only for the people who were “used” to it and were born in Canada. Little did I know that the winter did not care about my wishes. Thinking through this process very much helped me to see that I am going to be in Canada for a while. In fact, I realized that I am going to be in Canada for most of my life and I will either live complaining as long as I am in Canada or I can change my response to the immutable weather.
I took full responsibility and realized that even though I cannot change the weather I can do a number of things about it. I changed my mindset and said the weather is not to blame but my response was not appropriate. The weather is neither good nor bad. It is neutral; it was me who interpret it as bad. So, I took full responsibility on how I approach the weather with the following actions:
- Acknowledge that the weather is cold. This is a fact!
- Stay in places where the weather is relatively warm for the part of the year
- Have warm gear all the time
- Play indoor rather than outdoor soccer (actually find a team)
- Be on time to take a bus instead of going to the bus stop early and waiting for 20 minutes in the cold
- Buy a vehicle when able and make sure the car has heated seats
- If possible use technology to make the car start when you are still in the house or far away so that when you come inside the car it is already warm
- If the weather is really a concern to me, I can consider leaving the country. I am not a tree. People move all the time!
You can believe that I have already acted on the solutions to make sure that I enjoy my winters even though they are not the same as summer. It is 100% better than when I used to complain at the bus stop, while going to class, while going to buy groceries, about why I could not play sports in the winter, about why I sneeze all the time in the cold and on and on.
What are the benefits of taking full responsibility?
Here are five reasons to take full responsibility.
1. You take charge of your life
There are very few things that make us feel more miserable than feeling like nothing you do matters. This feeling is what has been called learned helplessness. This happens when someone encounters a very stressful situation over and over again and they come to learn that no matter what they do the situation will not change. So, the person does not do anything even when chances arise to change because they have been conditioned to believe that they are unable to change.
There is a course offered by one of the top institutions in the world for free called foundations of positive psychology by Martin E.P. Seligman, PHD. In this course Seligman talks about the idea of positive psychology which is the opposite of learned helplessness. Seligman talks about the idea of learned optimism which makes you empowered to challenge your thought processes which can be a game changer to have positive outcomes in your life! You can also check out the book here.
2. You grow into the toughest version of yourself
One thing that you might have already realized is that you are stronger than you think. If you do not believe me take a moment and think of things that you did in the past that surprised you. You finished that assignment on time despite all odds, you raised that child, you gave more than you thought possible, you are reading this article and many other things!
Now imagine you being even tougher than that. Being the best of you each and everyday! Instead of leaving that child alone you did everything to provide. Instead of you not writing that paper you finished it. Instead of you running away you came back. Now, imagine doing this week in week out. You can be tough by taking full responsibility for everything.
3. You become more confident
We all have the satisfied feeling after doing something like making the dinner, doing the dishes, taking a shower, and getting everything in order. You feel like you are a superhuman. Then tomorrow comes and you go back to the version of yourself that leaves things undone for weeks if not months. Doing this erodes self-confidence of what we are capable of doing in the future.
When thing are are not done the way we want we blame instead of acknowledging what we are capable of. By fully doing things consistently other people close to you notice and comment and your confidence will grow. This confidence can really rub off on other people to motivate them act the way you are.
4. You embrace a student mentality over a master mentality
Do you have a student mentality or a master mentality? If you have a master mentality you think that you know all there is to know, but if you have a student mentality you are in a constant learning process. It is very unfortunate that in our lives we reach a point when we think we know all there is to know and we think that we cannot do other things more than what we have done.
It becomes very obvious that we don’t have all the knowledge we claim to have because when we make a mistake we blame others instead of taking full responsibility. If you knew everything and you acted with that knowledge then you would take full responsibility for the outcomes. The reason why we fail to take full responsibility is because of pride.
The right attitude should be like what the Alcoholic Anonymous prayer says: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
And if you don’t believe in God then at least acknowledge that there are people who know way more than you do.
So be a student and never a master. Own mistakes because students make them all the time and you are one even when you are 200 years old!
5. You make great friendships and improve relationships
People love those who own their own mistakes. Reason? Because they too make mistakes and it shows that you are humble. You are going to make very good friends who rely on you because they will know that you will not be their judge since they know your own mistakes.
You know how it feels like when you talk to a “saint” friend and when you talk to a real friend. Who would you rather have?
Take full responsibility for the things in your life and the world will be an oasis of friends.
To summarize the 5 reasons to take full responsibility:
- You take charge of your life
- You grow into the toughest version of yourself
- You become more confident
- You embrace a student mentality over a master mentality
- You make great friendships and improve relationships
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]]>We all know what it feels like walking at night alone in the dark, getting ready to have that presentation, going for a job interview, preparing for a final exam, or thinking what will happen if something terrible happens like losing a loved one. That feeling is fear.
Fear is a common experience to all human beings. It is an emotion triggered by a perceived danger or threat. Our brains are made to respond to potential threats in our environment to keep us safe. The brain sends signals to our body making us ready for fight or flight whenever we encounter something that our brain perceives as a threat. When this happens you start to sweat, your heart rate increases, and you have tremors in your body. There is no question that fear is very helpful for us to be able to survive, but it can be very limiting as well for us to make serious progress in life.
Despite the fact that fear is a human experience, it doesn’t have to stop us from reaching and achieving our goals and living our best lives. In this article I want to explore strategies to help all of us to understand, challenge and quickly manage our fears and also find ways to seek help when needed to cope. Through implementing these strategies we will become more and more confident and feel free, which will enable us to go for those goals and dreams that we create each new year.
1. UNDERSTAND YOUR FEAR
The first step if you want to overcome or face it head on is to understand it. It is crucial to know that not all fears are the same and that different fears can have different root causes. For example, some fears may be rational and based on a real threat, while others may be irrational and based on a perceived threat that is unlikely to materialize.
If you understand the root cause of your fears you can truly come up with a plan to overcome the fear. Furthermore you need also to be able to identify the exact triggers that cause your fear. You can take baby steps to manage your reaction and develop strategies to “go to war” with your fear. When you understand your fear, you can also understand how it can prevent you from achieving your goals.
Sun Tzu in The Art of War says that “if you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” Hence, understanding fear is crucial. You do not want to win only battles but you want to win the war as well. In the beginning, you will lose the battles since you still do not know the enemy very well but if you continue to learn as shown below, you will win more of those and eventually win the war. Let’s start to by understanding fear.
There are hundreds if not millions of sources of fear and they can vary from one person to another. I provide just a few fears below and people’s experiences to them are different. Some common sources of fear include:
– Past traumas: Going through things such as abuse, neglect, abandonment or other traumatic events can cause long-term fears and anxieties that can be difficult to overcome.
– Social Anxiety: Fear of social situations or interactions can make it difficult to connect with others and can hold you back in both personal and professional settings.
– Failure: Fear of failure or not measuring up to expectations can prevent you from taking risks and achieving your goals.
– Various phobias: Phobias are intense fears of certain objects, situations or activities, such as flying, spiders, snakes or heights.
– Health Anxiety: Being afraid of illness or disease can lead to excessive worry and delusional problems.
– Generalized Anxiety: This is general fear and worry that can affect many aspects of one’s life and can be a huge hindrance in one’s daily life.
These are important first step questions to start with when thinking about facing your fear. These will help you with the causes of fear and to identify exact triggers. Armed with this information you will come up with a plan of attack.
Some questions to consider when you think about fears:
- What situations or activities cause your fears and anxieties?
- Are your fears or anxieties based on real or perceived danger?
- Are there past experiences that might affect your fears?
- How has the fear negatively impacted your life?
- How much has the fear been making you ineffective?
2. Overcome negative thoughts and beliefs
There is a lot that can be said about our thoughts. Negative thoughts and beliefs can be major factors causing our fear and anxiety. If we hold limiting beliefs about ourselves or talk negatively about ourselves we can start to view the world through those beliefs and think the world is a hostile and dangerous environment. You can find yourself in a constant loop of fear which can hinder progress and new adventures in life.
For example, if you are terrified of public speaking, you might believe that “I’m not good enough” or “everyone will judge me”. This can increase your anxiety and make it difficult to overcome the fear. Similarly, if you are afraid of flying, negative beliefs such as “flying is dangerous” or “I will never survive a plane crash” can make it difficult to feel safe on a plane.
It is paramount that you identify and challenge these negative thoughts and beliefs. One of the proven techniques to overcome this is through cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), a type of therapy that helps people identify and change their negative thought patterns. The techniques works by helping you to challenge these thoughts and to replace them with more realistic and empowering beliefs, which can tremendously reduce fear and anxiety. This helps you raise your confidence and resilience.
Some of the common negative thoughts we engage in:
- All or nothing thinking: Seeing things in black and white, with no middle ground. For example, if you fear public speaking, you may think that if you make even one mistake during the speech, you will be a total failure and everyone will judge you harshly. People in the audience will come and burn down your house!
- Catastrophizing: Imagining the worst possible scenario of a situation and believing that it is more likely to happen than any other outcome. For example, if you are afraid of spiders, you can create a disaster by imagining a spider crawling on you and biting you, although the chances of this happening are very low. I am currently working through the fear of snakes!
- Mind reading: Assuming you know what other people are thinking or feeling, although there is no supporting evidence. For example, if you have social anxiety, you might expect everyone at a party to judge you, even though you have no way of knowing what they’re really thinking. First time going to the gym, I thought everyone was looking at me thinking “why you are here?”. None of that happened of course! Just my mind “knowing” what others were thinking!
- Overgeneralization: Taking one negative experience and applying it to all similar situations. For example, if you had a bad experience with a dog when you were younger, you may be afraid of all dogs, even though most dogs are friendly and non-threatening.
- Personalization: This involves taking things too personally and believing that negative events or experiences are your fault. For example, if you fear rejection, you might think that if someone doesn’t want to hang out with you, it’s because there’s something wrong with you.
If we engage in negative thought patterns, our brains often see situations as more dangerous than they are, which triggers a fear response. However, if we challenge negative thoughts and beliefs, we reduce the intensity of our response to fear and we can help our brains perceive situations more accurately and reduce the intensity of the response to our fear.
For example, If you have a presentation coming up and you are afraid of public speaking you can be very nervous about your performance and think thoughts such as “I will screw up” or “I will be fired after” or “everyone will laugh at me.” These thoughts can reinforce the fear response and make the successful presentation more difficult.
You need to challenge these negative thoughts by replacing them with more positive and realistic beliefs, such as “I have prepared well for this presentation” or “I have given successful presentations in the past”. You can reduce the intensity of your fear response and emotions and feel in control and with much more confidence.
By challenging negative thoughts and beliefs, we can train our brains to see situations with greater accuracy and reduce the intensity of our fear response, which allows us to overcome our fear and grow more resilient.
So how can we challenge these negative thoughts and replace them with more empowering ones?
Here are the strategies:
First, you need to do cognitive restructuring. This involves identifying negative thoughts and replacing them with more positive and realistic ones. You can start by writing down your negative thoughts and then ask yourself if they are true. If not, try to find a more positive and realistic belief with which to replace them. Only truth will get the vote on this stage – anything else does not get your vote. If is not true then discard it. (read my article on game plan for clear thinking here )
Second, you need to practice mindful meditation. This involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. By practicing mindfulness, you can become more aware of your negative thoughts and learn to observe them without getting stuck in them. This can help you challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs more objectively and rationally. Remember Aristotle: “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
Third, keep a journal that you look at occasionally to be grateful. You can call it a gratitude journal if you want. This involves writing down the things you are grateful for every day or week or month or a year. Do not assume you are grateful in your mind. Write down things that you are grateful for. By focusing on the positive aspects of your life, you can change your perspective and challenge negative thoughts and beliefs.
Fourth, you must have positive affirmations. It literary means saying to yourself “I am loved”, “I am desired”, “I can do that”, “ I can speak in public”, “ I can do math”, “ I can get a job” or “I am confident.” By reinforcing positive beliefs about yourself, you can challenge negative thoughts and increase self-confidence. This is the most unnatural thing for us to do because and you are probably thinking I cannot do this. I know why. It is because we think negatively all the time. An average human being generates about 50,000 – 62,000 thoughts a day! Guess how many are negative? You know it (because you do it too): 70 -80 % of thoughts are negative! That is 40,000 thoughts that are ungrateful, worrisome, fearful, angry for no reason, revengeful and … you do not want me to continue. So, get on with practicing generating positive thoughts. Seriously, how many positive thoughts can you remember today that you engaged in? How about negative thoughts? I bet the latter was easier to think about.
Overall, using these strategies to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs can reduce the intensity of your fear response and increase resilience, allowing you to overcome your fears and live a more fulfilling life.
3. Practice self-care and stress reduction
Reducing stress and taking care of yourself are very helpful strategies for managing fear and anxiety. Here are some examples of self-care practices that can help:
- Exercise: Physical activity can help reduce stress and anxiety by releasing endorphins and improving mood. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate intensity exercise each day. This is easier said than done but I’ve found this true since I started doing it.
- Eat a healthy diet: A balanced diet that includes plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains can provide the nutrients your body needs to manage stress and anxiety. Avoid foods high in sugar or caffeine, which can worsen anxiety symptoms.
- Sleep hygiene: Adequate sleep is essential for managing stress and anxiety. Aim to set a regular sleep schedule by going to bed or waking up at the same time each day.
- Relaxation techniques: Deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation and guided imagery are all techniques that help reduce stress and anxiety. For this one I just turn on the TV and go to YouTube and I do an easy 10 minutes. Try it!
5. Breathe deeply: Breathe slowly, deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on your breathing and try to let go of any distracting thoughts.
6. Progressive muscle relaxation: Tighten and relax all the muscle groups in the body, starting from the toes and moving up to the neck.
7. Guided imagery: Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a calm and relaxing environment. Focus on your senses and imagine the sights, sounds and smells of your peaceful surroundings.
4. Face Your Fears
Slowly face your fears. It is an important part of overcoming them. Avoidance can make our fears stronger and harder to overcome in the long run.
Here are some ways you can face those fears:
- Gradual Exposure: This involves gradually facing your fear in small, manageable steps. For example, if you are afraid of dogs, you might start by looking at pictures of dogs, then move on to watching videos of dogs, and then finally pet a dog.
- Systematic desensitization: This involves combining relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation with the feared situation. For example, if you have a fear of speaking, you can practice relaxation techniques by imagining yourself giving a speech. This is my go-to all the time.
- Virtual Reality Exposure Therapy: This involves using virtual reality technology to simulate a feared situation in a safe and controlled environment. This can be especially useful for phobias or fears that are difficult to recreate in real life. You do not need virtual reality goggles – honestly just use your imagination. But if you have the goggles then watch rollercoaster rides to overcome the fear of heights.
If you are uncertain or unsure, it can be helpful to work with a therapist who can guide you through the process and offer support and encouragement.
Facing your fears can be very scary, but also incredibly empowering. Every time you face your fear, you build confidence and resilience that will help you face future challenges. With a little patience, persistence and support, you can overcome your fears and live a fuller life.
5. Get support
- Friends and Family: Talking to trusted friends or family members can provide emotional support and encouragement. They can also help keep you accountable and create a sense of community.
- Therapy: A mental health professional can provide guidance and support to overcome fear and anxiety. They can help you develop coping strategies and provide a safe space to explore and face your fears.
- Support groups: Joining a support group of people who share your fears can be a helpful way to connect with others who understand what you’re going through. It can also provide reassurance and encouragement.
Lastly, I want you to know that seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. It takes courage to face your fears, and it’s good to lean on others for support along the way. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help when you need it.
Cheers!
In summary, the strategies for overcoming fear discussed in this post are:
- Understand your fear and its root causes
- Challenge negative thoughts and beliefs
- Practice self-care and stress reduction
- Face your fear gradually with exposure therapy or desensitizing exercises
- Seek support from friends, family, therapy or support groups.
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]]>Now the topic of difficult conversations is not a small issue. It is a big deal and I will not pretend that you can easily do it on the fly and be all smiley after the talk. The truth is that you are going to feel extremely uncomfortable before and after having the talk. If you think that it is going to be easy then you are not realistic. That is why we started with the quote from Friedrich Nietzsche that says, “he who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
Please read my previous article on why we should have difficult conversations before continuing here. It is important to know why you are doing something, otherwise, the uneasiness that comes with having hard conversations alone will be enough to make you not want to talk.
Studies have shown that about 70% of people avoid having difficult conversations. You would think this is not a big deal, but what if I told you that this statistic applies to the workplace and some people would rather quit their job than have a tough conversation? It means that out of 10 people that you know, 7 will not be willing to talk to you if there is a hard conversation to face. Think about this for a second.
So if you were excited to have that conversation (which I am sure you weren’t) the odds are that you won’t have it according to the above stats. You are going to be doing something that is way more than the average person is willing to do.
The subconscious mind is always alert when there are things unaddressed. We have developed several techniques to try to silence that inner voice that seems to linger all the time telling us to speak up about something. In what ways have you used those silencing techniques?
Thanks to technology we do not have to face our thoughts as often now. We can now just turn on the tv all the time including when we go to bed so that we don’t think, or we have cellphones at all times, or we work more hours including evenings, or we drive with music on all the time or listen to things (such as podcasts, youtube etc) whenever we are doing tasks and many other things. Even when we go for a walk our headphones go with us wherever we go. But for some strange reason in between those activities or sometimes during those activities unaddressed issues still surface.
To avoid suppressing all these feelings that lead to anxiety and in other cases, depression, you need a strategy on how to have these hard conversations. Here’s the how.
1. Acknowledge the worst-case scenario
Have you ever done something small and you think to yourself, “I will be fired, I will be kicked out of this team, I will be suspended from school, I will be laughed at etc.” This is the brain going full-on worst-case scenario. It is a survival technique that the brain gives you right away to prevent you from harm.
It is necessary that you acknowledge the worst-case scenario before you have the hard conversation BUT do not believe the worst-case scenario. Think of it as our default state whenever we are trying to do something hard.
I personally, think through the worst-case scenarios like a game but I do not dwell on them because that is just one part of the issue. What if things go so well? What if they accept me instead of rejecting me? What if they are actually as hurt as I am? What if they also want to talk? This is the other side that the brain almost forgets when you think about hard conversations. It is almost hard to believe that hard conversations can be fun!!! (Remember, they are likely to be hard. Hmmm look at me thinking worst-case).
2. Go straight to the point and show confidence when you do it
“I am here to talk about______, I want to talk to you about_______, I have been feeling ____ and I wanted to talk about it.”
Then proceed to explain exactly how you felt or are feeling at that moment. Be prepared to be interrupted at all times (if you’re not interrupted that would be great but just be ready). It is very important that you explain how you feel because of what happened. Prevent yourself from saying words like, “you made me__________, you caused me to ___________” or anything that accuses the other person because the last thing they want to hear is that they made a mistake and it is all their fault (even though it might be).
At this point in the conversation, you need to proceed and explain your thoughts on the issue at hand. Try to use “I statements”. “I thought that __________, I have been thinking __________, my thinking was that _______, I felt this way when ______happened to me, I felt this way when ______was said to me.” This helps the other person see exactly what you are thinking about the issue. It is at this stage probably that you should be ready for some hard talk because they will correct you (trust me). Try your best not to be defensive because it will be the natural reaction not to hear their correction (like them, you do not want to hear how wrong you are!). Welcome to hard talk.
Go ahead and offer the why for the conversation. Are you apologizing? Or should they apologize? Do you want things to change going forward or do you want to just clear the air?
Remember if you do not have the why from the beginning the other person will likely want to figure it out as you talk and you do not want them to think of the reason for the conversation; instead you want them to listen to you. Do the work and offer them the why.
3. Prepare to listen intently
This is the easy part for all of us! As you know it is very easy for us to talk all the time about how we feel and think. But listening? We know it is important but we hardly do it. The odds that both of you will listen intently are very low because as the other person is speaking you (or they) are already thinking about how to counter.
That is why it is very important that you use the “I statements” when you talk if you want to listen to their point of view. You do not want to speak on their behalf. It is their turn to tell you how they feel, what they think, and the reason for their actions.
Most of the time I have found out that 90% of the time I did not get their point of view at the start of the conversation. However, through listening, I am able to hear what they have to say and it is very hard to hear most of the time. This is a big part of why we avoid hard conversations. We don’t want to hear what they have to say about the issue but would rather keep our version of the events.
Remember Aristotle says, “it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
Listening to someone or something does not mean you are accepting what they are saying! The goal is to be able to get clarity going forward because they might have the right point of view (which we do not want to hear) or the wrong view.
Sometimes when you are talking to people they will shut down and not want to talk. That is absolutely fine.
4. Keep the talk very objective: Facts only, please
Facts are very important in life because they are independent of your thoughts and feelings.
We are all emotional beings and it is very difficult to stay objective in most things but when it comes to hard conversations it is even more crucial to stay to the facts. This helps all sides involved to see the point without feeling accused of anything.
For example, you can point out that you agreed to meet at 9 am but they did not show up at 9 am. They can offer reasons why they never showed up at 9 am but the fact is that they were not there at 9 am. If you establish the fact that they did not show up at 9 am, then they can apologize and you can talk about why they did not show up. They can tell you about the traffic, how they woke up late, etc. Good reasons, but they still did not show up at 9 am. That is a fact!
If you stick to the facts you need to be ready to be wrong because facts might not be in your favour as well. So be ready to stand corrected because the facts presented by the other person may be hard to hear.
5. Find a solution
In an ideal universe after the hard conversation, you would just hug and be merry. You would go for a walk together and have tea afterwards (it has happened for me but rarely). But we know this will not be happening after your talk (Did you catch that? Worst-case scenario).
You are both going to feel hurt and frustrated after the conversation. Both might develop feelings of resentment towards each other and this is all because we all delay the processing of lots of hard emotions. If this happens, please take a break and do not talk about it for some time until you have calmed down. You can take your time before both of you meet and talk again.
There is likely going to be a fallout after the conversation because of the things that were said. If that happens, go through the facts once again that you talked about and see if the solution was based on those facts. Schedule a time in the future to talk about the solution once again so that you are both clear on the expectation going forward.
So go ahead and start that conversation. When do you plan to have it? If you have read this far please have the talk this year!
In summary:
1. Acknowledge the worst-case scenario
2. Go straight to the point and show confidence when you do it
3. Prepare to listen intently
4. Keep the talk very objective: Facts only, please
5. Find a solution
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