Now the topic of difficult conversations is not a small issue. It is a big deal and I will not pretend that you can easily do it on the fly and be all smiley after the talk. The truth is that you are going to feel extremely uncomfortable before and after having the talk. If you think that it is going to be easy then you are not realistic. That is why we started with the quote from Friedrich Nietzsche that says, “he who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
Please read my previous article on why we should have difficult conversations before continuing here. It is important to know why you are doing something, otherwise, the uneasiness that comes with having hard conversations alone will be enough to make you not want to talk.
Studies have shown that about 70% of people avoid having difficult conversations. You would think this is not a big deal, but what if I told you that this statistic applies to the workplace and some people would rather quit their job than have a tough conversation? It means that out of 10 people that you know, 7 will not be willing to talk to you if there is a hard conversation to face. Think about this for a second.
So if you were excited to have that conversation (which I am sure you weren’t) the odds are that you won’t have it according to the above stats. You are going to be doing something that is way more than the average person is willing to do.
The subconscious mind is always alert when there are things unaddressed. We have developed several techniques to try to silence that inner voice that seems to linger all the time telling us to speak up about something. In what ways have you used those silencing techniques?
Thanks to technology we do not have to face our thoughts as often now. We can now just turn on the tv all the time including when we go to bed so that we don’t think, or we have cellphones at all times, or we work more hours including evenings, or we drive with music on all the time or listen to things (such as podcasts, youtube etc) whenever we are doing tasks and many other things. Even when we go for a walk our headphones go with us wherever we go. But for some strange reason in between those activities or sometimes during those activities unaddressed issues still surface.
To avoid suppressing all these feelings that lead to anxiety and in other cases, depression, you need a strategy on how to have these hard conversations. Here’s the how.
1. Acknowledge the worst-case scenario
Have you ever done something small and you think to yourself, “I will be fired, I will be kicked out of this team, I will be suspended from school, I will be laughed at etc.” This is the brain going full-on worst-case scenario. It is a survival technique that the brain gives you right away to prevent you from harm.
It is necessary that you acknowledge the worst-case scenario before you have the hard conversation BUT do not believe the worst-case scenario. Think of it as our default state whenever we are trying to do something hard.
I personally, think through the worst-case scenarios like a game but I do not dwell on them because that is just one part of the issue. What if things go so well? What if they accept me instead of rejecting me? What if they are actually as hurt as I am? What if they also want to talk? This is the other side that the brain almost forgets when you think about hard conversations. It is almost hard to believe that hard conversations can be fun!!! (Remember, they are likely to be hard. Hmmm look at me thinking worst-case).
2. Go straight to the point and show confidence when you do it
“I am here to talk about______, I want to talk to you about_______, I have been feeling ____ and I wanted to talk about it.”
Then proceed to explain exactly how you felt or are feeling at that moment. Be prepared to be interrupted at all times (if you’re not interrupted that would be great but just be ready). It is very important that you explain how you feel because of what happened. Prevent yourself from saying words like, “you made me__________, you caused me to ___________” or anything that accuses the other person because the last thing they want to hear is that they made a mistake and it is all their fault (even though it might be).
At this point in the conversation, you need to proceed and explain your thoughts on the issue at hand. Try to use “I statements”. “I thought that __________, I have been thinking __________, my thinking was that _______, I felt this way when ______happened to me, I felt this way when ______was said to me.” This helps the other person see exactly what you are thinking about the issue. It is at this stage probably that you should be ready for some hard talk because they will correct you (trust me). Try your best not to be defensive because it will be the natural reaction not to hear their correction (like them, you do not want to hear how wrong you are!). Welcome to hard talk.
Go ahead and offer the why for the conversation. Are you apologizing? Or should they apologize? Do you want things to change going forward or do you want to just clear the air?
Remember if you do not have the why from the beginning the other person will likely want to figure it out as you talk and you do not want them to think of the reason for the conversation; instead you want them to listen to you. Do the work and offer them the why.
3. Prepare to listen intently
This is the easy part for all of us! As you know it is very easy for us to talk all the time about how we feel and think. But listening? We know it is important but we hardly do it. The odds that both of you will listen intently are very low because as the other person is speaking you (or they) are already thinking about how to counter.
That is why it is very important that you use the “I statements” when you talk if you want to listen to their point of view. You do not want to speak on their behalf. It is their turn to tell you how they feel, what they think, and the reason for their actions.
Most of the time I have found out that 90% of the time I did not get their point of view at the start of the conversation. However, through listening, I am able to hear what they have to say and it is very hard to hear most of the time. This is a big part of why we avoid hard conversations. We don’t want to hear what they have to say about the issue but would rather keep our version of the events.
Remember Aristotle says, “it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
Listening to someone or something does not mean you are accepting what they are saying! The goal is to be able to get clarity going forward because they might have the right point of view (which we do not want to hear) or the wrong view.
Sometimes when you are talking to people they will shut down and not want to talk. That is absolutely fine.
4. Keep the talk very objective: Facts only, please
Facts are very important in life because they are independent of your thoughts and feelings.
We are all emotional beings and it is very difficult to stay objective in most things but when it comes to hard conversations it is even more crucial to stay to the facts. This helps all sides involved to see the point without feeling accused of anything.
For example, you can point out that you agreed to meet at 9 am but they did not show up at 9 am. They can offer reasons why they never showed up at 9 am but the fact is that they were not there at 9 am. If you establish the fact that they did not show up at 9 am, then they can apologize and you can talk about why they did not show up. They can tell you about the traffic, how they woke up late, etc. Good reasons, but they still did not show up at 9 am. That is a fact!
If you stick to the facts you need to be ready to be wrong because facts might not be in your favour as well. So be ready to stand corrected because the facts presented by the other person may be hard to hear.
5. Find a solution
In an ideal universe after the hard conversation, you would just hug and be merry. You would go for a walk together and have tea afterwards (it has happened for me but rarely). But we know this will not be happening after your talk (Did you catch that? Worst-case scenario).
You are both going to feel hurt and frustrated after the conversation. Both might develop feelings of resentment towards each other and this is all because we all delay the processing of lots of hard emotions. If this happens, please take a break and do not talk about it for some time until you have calmed down. You can take your time before both of you meet and talk again.
There is likely going to be a fallout after the conversation because of the things that were said. If that happens, go through the facts once again that you talked about and see if the solution was based on those facts. Schedule a time in the future to talk about the solution once again so that you are both clear on the expectation going forward.
So go ahead and start that conversation. When do you plan to have it? If you have read this far please have the talk this year!
In summary:
1. Acknowledge the worst-case scenario
2. Go straight to the point and show confidence when you do it
3. Prepare to listen intently
4. Keep the talk very objective: Facts only, please
5. Find a solution