Having difficult conversations is not easy. That is why the majority of people avoid having them. But I will tell you that avoiding them does more damage than good. You are actually more hurt by choosing to avoid them than by having them.
I want to run you through the reasons for having these crucial but hard conversations. As Friedrich Nietzsche said, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
In this article I will offer the why in Nietzche’s quote then in the next article (coming next week Thursday) I will offer the how to have difficult conversions.
Let’s be honest, it is very difficult to do something that you do not like if you do not have a compelling reason to do it. You wouldn’t go to work if you did not believe that the work brings satisfaction or pays the bills. Most people would just quit their work. You would not work out if you did not believe that being in the best health is significant. It is always “the why” that makes us go do those things. “The why” does not have to be all positive ~ it could also be negative. You might go to the dentist even if you do not want to because you know you might lose your teeth if you don’t (the why).
So I want you to brainstorm the top five conversations that you are absolutely most afraid of having. I mean those that make you think that you will die if you have them (hint: you won’t!). Please write them down NOW before continuing reading. Those conversations are the ones that we are going to find “the why” of having.
Below I offer 4 reasons why having difficult conversations is incredibly valuable and should be done all the time even if we are afraid of dying (reminder again that’s unlikely).
Why have hard conversations:
1. To gain a clear understanding
We have all had those moments when we walk away and say to ourselves, “I cannot believe they did that to me.” You spend hours, days, weeks and sometimes years without talking to them and when you do you realize it was just a misunderstanding. There are times when you are shocked that you were on the same page with the other person all along.
Challenging conversations enable us to understand others on a particular issue. It is crucial that we seek to understand and get clarity on a particular issue. The most challenging part is that you must be willing to listen to hard-hitting facts and opinions from the other side.
One of my favourite quotes of all time attributed to Aristotle goes like this: “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
To summarize reason 1: Have difficult conversations to clear any misunderstandings
2. To end or settle conflicts
It is puzzling how we hate conflict, but at the same time, we like to stay inside of conflict without trying to resolve it or get clarity to move on with our precious lives. You would think that if you had something that is constantly bothering you and you can actually do something about it that you would. But nope. Most of the conflicts are sitting on our “bookshelves” to deal with “someday”. Someday I will have the talk when the conditions are right. Someday I’ll deal with it. If the other person initiates someday then I will have the talk. But the longer conflicts stay on “someday” shelves, which you are constantly staring at, they can cause huge resentment and bitterness, unfortunately.
What does the “someday shelf” help us with you might ask?
Nothing! Someday just says, “I was hurt and I cannot face that ‘moron’ and go over what they did to me.” Then you live in constant pain and misery. But you can avoid all this by facing those unspoken thoughts head-on.
Haruki Murakami, a Japanese poet once said that “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”. At first glance, this sounds like a ridiculous claim but think about it.
There are several things that can cause pain like the death of a loved one, getting sick, getting fired from your job, getting rejected by someone etc. These are what we call life and these really hurt (as you know). We all know that these do not last forever and we need to cry about them because that is the right response. Pain is like pleasure – it is part of life. You cannot avoid it.
Suffering on the other hand is your mind’s interpretation of the painful events and moments of life. For example, if the pain is being fired from your job then the suffering is all of the thoughts associated with being fired, like “I’m the worst person in this company, I’ll never find another job, tomorrow I’ll be homeless…” It is possible to minimize suffering if you can reinterpret the thoughts that are going on in your mind.
I want you to practice something right now. Think about the pain that you might be feeling right now about one of the 5 hard conversations you wrote about above. Pain is the events or moments that happened to you and those are real. Suffering is the interpretation in your mind since those things have happened, such as I am ____, I will never _____, I cannot believe_____, my life will never_____ etc.
The brain is incredible and one of its main functions is to keep you safe from danger. In fact, the brain will do anything to make sure you do not face any danger. If it was up to the brain you would not have done anything hard.
Your brain is trying to make sure that your interpretation of the pains that happened is almost certain. For example, if one of the interpretations of your pain (real) is “I will never forgive them for doing ______”, then the brain wants to make sure that you will never forgive them so that you do not have to deal with the cognitive dissonance of thinking one thing (I do not want to forgive them) and doing another (forgive them).
Thus, your interpretations become a self-fulfilling prophecy of ongoing suffering. Even though you didn’t ever set out to suffer, we can now conclude that you are playing a huge part in your own suffering. Instead of facing the harder conversation so that you can reduce and possibly eliminate the suffering, you want to think that it’s fine and that you feel good. Meanwhile, at the same time, you wish things were better. You need to override the brain and say, “I am going to face this and resolve this issue no matter how painful it will be.”
To summarize reason 2: Have difficult conversations to end conflicts so that they do not take up space in your precious brain
3. To build better and stronger relationships
Stronger and better things are built through challenges and in relationships, this concept is no exception.
Approaching someone and honestly addressing the problem shows them that you are willing to move forward past the current problem.
But why don’t we just do it so that we have stronger relationships? Ego!
The main challenge we all have is the willingness to be vulnerable. You definitely do not want to look weak right? Actually, it is the opposite. It is through weakness that we become strong, not through strength.
To summarize reason 3: Have difficult conversations to gain the best relationship built on trust
4. To grow as an individual
Facing problematic conversations can elevate your communication skills. If you want to hone your listening skills then having these conversations will be very valuable. It requires that you listen very very carefully to what others are saying WITHOUT responding back. This can help you become more and more empathetic to what others are saying; you learn to not just focus on what you have to say.
Your prejudices will be challenged as you listen. This can lead you to correct your own preconceived notions about others as you gain more knowledge of what they are saying to you.
As the saying goes: be quick to listen and slow to speak. I think the reason this is true is that if we listen we always get challenged by others and we must grow. Imagine how much you can grow if you faced all those difficult conversations starting today.
To summarize reason 4: Have difficult conversations to grow
At the moment before or following these hard conversations, you are going to feel so bad that you will think I have done something wrong in giving you this advice.
In my own experience, there are times when I have had hard conversations and found it very, very uncomfortable and then felt stupid for doing it in the first place. My brain gave me all the reasons why I shouldn’t because:
- I am right, why should I start the conversation?
- It happened a long time ago so there is really no reason now
- It will hurt them if I start
- I am being considerate for not bringing it up even though it hurts
- Let me suffer on their behalf because they cannot handle what I will say
- They never listen because I have tried in the past and nothing has happened
- The last time I tried we almost burned down our house arguing so let me save the house
- It will bring up more problems if I start this conversation
- I might have to change as well if they tell me their concerns
- What if they kill me? (unlikely)
You can see that most of my reasons (to be honest excuses) are mostly about me. Even when I mention them it is in light of me thinking on their behalf of how they will think, feel and react. This is pride (ego) speaking inside.
Today, write down what hard conversation (just one) you are going to start with, then next week read my article on how to have difficult conversations.
What are your reasons (excuses) for not having difficult conversations?
Summary of why to have difficult conversations:
- To clear any misunderstandings
- To end conflicts so that they do not take up space in your precious brain
- To gain the best relationship built on trust
- To grow